Reality check

I get quite a few people saying they admire me for being strong, that is mentally and emotionally wise. But what i really want to say is, i am not. I think the stronger you are on the outside, the more vulnerable it is you are on the inside. I may appear to be carefree to many, but in fact, there are thousands of thoughts running through my mind.

I appear strong because i've experienced enough for now to know how to fend for myself. I appear strong because i don't want to get hurt again and again. When i was young, i set myself a rule not to cry in front of others. Even when i'm hurt, i grit my teeth and hold my tears so hard. Anything, but just not to cry. But over the years, i guess the emotional burden just came down hard and i couldn't take it anymore. So at times, when things get bad, i do break down. But i'll hate myself for doing so, for appearing so weak in front of others.

In comparison, a person who breaks down in tears easily often gets the consolation and comfort from friends around. Whereas, the one who is emotionally strong holds back her tears and pretends it's alright, then they get labelled as carefree or cold.

In fact, i don't like to pretend everything is alright when it is not. I don't like to hold back when i have so much to say. I don't like to pass on my burden to someone else because i believe that everyone has enough issues to handle. And i don't mean to appear strong in front of others. I just don't want others to see me when i break down.

A small voice within just wants to shout out that i'm affected, i'm hurt, i'm upset, and i'm not as strong as everyone thinks. I just want to say i'm very very emotionally drained and i don't know how long more i can't handle it.


Consolation today is, I found one friend who truly understand how i feel. Or should i say, he has always been there. I thought he didn't care but all along he has been bothering. His affirmation just made me felt that perhaps i could do this a little bit longer. Thank you for always being there, thank you for trusting me completely, even when no one else did. And thank you for making me feel that i am special. Thank you, i really needed that.

BREATHED @ 3:00 AM

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