The never ending cycle

The cause for the inequality that exists among mankind? Why should one be brought up in the lap of luxury, and another in absolute poverty? Why should some be blessed, and others cursed from ther births? And why should one be congenitally blind, deaf or even deformed?

Either this inequality of mankind could has a cause or it is purely accidental.

For me, i choose to believe that in this world, nothing happens to a person that he or she does not for some reason or other deserve. Usually, we cannot comprehend the actual reason or reasons. But i do not rule out the possibility that the cause or causes of the visible effect is not only confined to what is know as the present.

Karma.

The law of moral causation.

One's inequality is due not only to heredity, environment, "nature and nurture", but also to Karma. In other words, it is the result of our own past actions and our own present doings. We ourselves are responsible for our own happiness and misery. We create our own Heaven. We create our own Hell. We are the architects of our own fate.

So, if karma really does exist, doesn't it mean that people who are say, borned with criminal tendancies, will forever lead the same kind of life as karma repeats itself over and over again in this continuous cycle of birth and death? Then, people who are evil will forever be evil and people who are mean will forever be mean.

That, is kind of sad.

It is said that the life has been given to man to sort out the consequences of the previous karma deliberately done, in many past lives, as well as in present life. Man cannot be liberated, until and unless he has sorted out and neutralised all effects of past and present karma.

So my say, think carefully before deciding on the things you do. Think before passing a crude comment on someone else. Think before you come down hard on people who do not derserve it. Or else, karma will strike and retribution will get to you.

Just remember. What goes around, comes around.

BREATHED @ 12:31 AM

Reality check

I get quite a few people saying they admire me for being strong, that is mentally and emotionally wise. But what i really want to say is, i am not. I think the stronger you are on the outside, the more vulnerable it is you are on the inside. I may appear to be carefree to many, but in fact, there are thousands of thoughts running through my mind.

I appear strong because i've experienced enough for now to know how to fend for myself. I appear strong because i don't want to get hurt again and again. When i was young, i set myself a rule not to cry in front of others. Even when i'm hurt, i grit my teeth and hold my tears so hard. Anything, but just not to cry. But over the years, i guess the emotional burden just came down hard and i couldn't take it anymore. So at times, when things get bad, i do break down. But i'll hate myself for doing so, for appearing so weak in front of others.

In comparison, a person who breaks down in tears easily often gets the consolation and comfort from friends around. Whereas, the one who is emotionally strong holds back her tears and pretends it's alright, then they get labelled as carefree or cold.

In fact, i don't like to pretend everything is alright when it is not. I don't like to hold back when i have so much to say. I don't like to pass on my burden to someone else because i believe that everyone has enough issues to handle. And i don't mean to appear strong in front of others. I just don't want others to see me when i break down.

A small voice within just wants to shout out that i'm affected, i'm hurt, i'm upset, and i'm not as strong as everyone thinks. I just want to say i'm very very emotionally drained and i don't know how long more i can't handle it.


Consolation today is, I found one friend who truly understand how i feel. Or should i say, he has always been there. I thought he didn't care but all along he has been bothering. His affirmation just made me felt that perhaps i could do this a little bit longer. Thank you for always being there, thank you for trusting me completely, even when no one else did. And thank you for making me feel that i am special. Thank you, i really needed that.

BREATHED @ 3:00 AM

Some things never change :)

I wouldn't say the people i meet everyday are those that are closest to me. Such an irony, but people whom i can barely find time to meet are those truly dear to me. I am not saying that friends whom i hang out with very often are not dear. They are those whom i can get crazy and have fun with. But when it comes to heart to heart talk, chatting over a warm cup of coffee, it is the friends whom i seldom get to meet. These are the people whom i can say something without feeling held back by anything. These are the people whereby at moments when we don't talk and the silence is still so comforable. And these are the people who leaves me feeling warm and fuzzy inside when we part.

So i met up with ptco today. Haha. Silly and typical name i know. P-eiying, T-erry, C-aryn, O-liver. We all have very different schedules and i'm so glad all of us could make it today :) Well. We didn't do much, in fact only met up for lunch. Initial plans was to dine at coffee club, but ended up next door, cartel instead.

Honestly, i don't really remember how the four of us got together. Looking at this combination, it seems kind of weird. Haha. And they are probably the very few of the tk people i still keep in contact with.

Sometimes, i really find it very amazing how people change over the years. Looks wise or personality wise. And honestly, the first time ( a few entries back) when ptco agreed to meet up after so long, i was quite unsure of what to expect. I wasn't even sure of how everyone else has changed. And i was afraid that after so long, having to warm up to one another again would be difficult.

Should i say thank goodness or what.

Pig is still the pig that likes to insist on what he wants, but ultimately will give in to us, whining. The pig who still looks very bo chap but we all know that he cares, in fact alot. And he is the pig who still hates dogs, cats, whatever.

Liver is still the nice guy who gives in to us after much persuasion. The liver who reacts a little slowly to jokes. And the liver who still has the same expressions over the years.

Ryn is still the cute little girl in everybody's eyes. The ryn who always try to tell a joke but end up laughing even before she start. The ryn who likes to mutter to herself that sometimes we don't really catch what she is saying. And the ryn who finds almost everything funny.

Years might have passed but some things never do change. I just want to tell say- i love you guys alot :)

BREATHED @ 2:55 AM

I'm drained.

And i don't want to do this anymore.

BREATHED @ 1:25 AM

Simplicity is beauty

I don't know if it is just me or what, but bad things seem to like to happen all at the same time. Like as if life isn't screwed enough for me to take in more.

I may appear to be strong on the outside but that doesn't mean i don't feel a thing when you throw your crude comments over. I never liked being ordered around, or should i say, i never let anyone order me around and so what makes you think you are an exception? Not saying a thing back to you doesn't mean i agree with what you say. But rather, i seriously see no need to continue this conversation because all you see is youself.

I wouldn't say i'm smart. But i do get decent grades, i do get my priorities right, i do get my work done, and i do have a sense of urgency. Ever heard of the cliche saying, all work and no play makes jack a dull boy? Well i think you are very dull. I do play around, hang out pretty often and have alot of fun. But at the end of the day, i still get my work done, and i dare say it's of acceptable quality. I don't see the need for being so uptight.

I get people saying i am temperamental. Temperamental being subjecting to varying moods; likely to perform unpredictably. When i am happy, i am truly happy and i can be like a silly idiot smiling to herself. And when i am upset, i ponder about the issue and it goes on and on in my mind for days. It has always been like that and it still works this way for me. It is not like as if i enjoy going all quiet in front of my friends when they are happily laughing over something. It is just that i cannot bring myself to force out a laughter, because if i did, it would probably turn out dry. Some people can look happy 24/7 despite what is going on beneath that exterior. But I can't, when I'm happy i get crazy, when I'm angry i blow, when I'm upset i keep quiet and when I'm hurt i break down. I think it is just as simple as that. To you, i might go quiet for no reason, thats why i appear temperamental to some. But in fact, there are reasons and I'm upset inside. I just hope you know.

It is so frustrating when you have to think about what others feel before you can do something. Sometimes, i have so much to say but end up saying nothing because i'm bounded by the limits other people set. Nowadays, it is so difficult to do something and not be judged. I am feeling pretty dumb right now regretting not doing certain stuff when the time was perfect for me. And all that i know now is that this feeling is killing me.

In places where people are involved, things can get pretty complicated. I was happy one moment and suddenly, i find myself stuck in a situation that i thought had almost nothing to do with me.

Simplicity is beauty and ignorance is bliss. If only things could be kept simple and the world would be such a better place to live in.

BREATHED @ 5:05 PM

It's so amazing what some people can do just to get attention. You behave like such a sleezebag, just to have that short moment of attention. you don't even realise how badly this reflects upon you. I really pity you.

A rough idea of what's ahead this week.

Monday (today)- postponed father's day dinner
Tuesday- DAMMIT PROJECT
Wednesday- nothing meet up with ptco :)
Thursday- meet up with my darling mellie, eveleen abd jiayi
Friday- work.
Saturday- work
Sunday- no plans yet, but i got a feeling its gonna be project project projects! (URG)


I woke up at 4pm today. Haha. Me and mich swore not to club after work ever again. It's seriously damn tiring.

why oh why, blessings are often missed at the wink of the eye*

BREATHED @ 6:56 PM

Shopping, retail therapy!

I'm such a happy happy girl today! :)

I finally get to shop after so many days and also finally got to meet up with my girlfriends :) We shopped where else but town. Surprisingly crowded for a thursday, because of the holidays i suppose. Anyway, i got myself a pair of jeans,a cardigan and a belt at fareast. mich got herself a pretty belt (bet you are grinning to yourself as you are reading this) hah. and fer got a necklace for only ten bucks. hah.

More shopping at wisma.

I didn't want to try on this top at topshop because its 60 bucks and i know i will be tempted to buy it once i tried it on. So smarty pants fer said "try it on, you'll find something you don't like and you will stop thinking about it" Right. So when i tried it on and came out, she just laughed and said. "you're dead." (Why are you so damn cute. haha) Anyway, thanks to marco who gave me a 30% discount so i decided to get it. muaha. Mich got herself this sexaye top and knickers which she got excited over.

Dinner was at crystal jade due to fer's craving for honeydew sago, which brings us to highlight of the day.

While we were waiting for our turn to be seated, we walked around and saw this little girl crying outside bossini. So we asked her if she's lost and she just kept crying, until she said something and fer realised she's indonesian. So we brought her to the information counter. (Taka and ngee ann city should have seperate information counters!) It's so difficult dragging a lost kid to a far away information counter. It was kind of scary because her sobs turned to cries to wails to screams. And she got scared so she wanted to run away. So fer fer held on tight to her and she was practically screaming like she was being kidnapped. Then as all these happened, her family came and everything was so drama. Hah. Why do we always bump into lost kids.

Anyway, when we went back to crystal jade. There was no more honeydew sago. haha.

After dinner, went up to mango. Me and mich bought a mango basics each. We were getting kind of tired and fer wanted to catch her da chang jin. hahaha. So we headed home. chilling at indochine shall be postponed k? :)

Retail therapy seriously helps. muaha.

BREATHED @ 1:36 AM

venus and mars

I don't understand why some people cannot accept the fact that a guy and a girl can be just friends and not anything more. The sniggers and exchange of glares some people give when they see their friends- a guy and a girl together. Males and females can be the best of friends. It is not because that majority of the people have best friends of the same sex means the rest of the people are weird. There is still something called platonic relationship.

The norm is that women are best friends with other women and men are best buddies with other men. So whenever someone else doesn't follow what is known as the norm, their intentions are in suspect?

I think it's just silly to think this way.

Platonic friendships actually serve a very good purpose. They help men understand and perceive women as real people with real needs and problems, and not sex objects or playthings. Girls also get a chance to see boys as caring persons, not creatures with nothing but sex and exploitation on their minds.

Let me list the advantages.
1) Easy access to his/her circle of boyfriends/girlfriends.
2) Test-drive your best moves/lines with no threat of real rejection if they don't work.
3) Get solid haircut or clothes advice to avoid becoming a fashion disaster.
4) You get inside information, on how to improve your own game.

Heh.

We need to see a friendship as a friendship, one of the most beautiful and enduring relationships humans can enjoy and cherish. The players concerned are incidental, they could be a woman and a woman,a man and a man or a man and a woman. We need to understand that the beauty of it remains the same. We need to appreciate that it offers consolation, comfort and companionship to the concerned people.

And anyway, looking at friends around me, i think men who share healthy friendships with women are more likely to have a greater respect for them.

BREATHED @ 12:43 AM

Impressions

I can't even remember when was the last time i seriously studied for tests/exams. The definition of studying seemed to have changed ever since i entered poly. Studying last time was about studying texts, practicing questions, memorising formulas. Then studying now, is simply reading notes and trying to make what is common sense sounds not so much of common sense. Not that i miss the mugging, but poly life is seriously relaxing. Of course there's the rushing of projects still but besides that, I feel pretty much useless. Sometimes, i just wish people talked more sense instead of pointless crapping all the way.

Thursday night, i watched Singapore Idol. The things people are willing to do on tv seriously amuses me. There was this particular contestant, i can't remember what exactly did she say but it was something along this line-

"so fans, what do you think?" (raised hand)

-almost silence-

In desperate attempt, she then tried again. This time- "come on my fans, shout for me!"

my goodness.

That wasn't even the first half an hour of the show and i already wanted to switch channels. If i am not wrong, that was only the first few piano shows so where comes the fans? The people who were willing yet sounded unwilling to cheer were probably nice friends who didn't want to embarrass her further. Sometimes, i'm amazed by the pretence people put up on reality tv- so much for reality.

Anyway, few days ago, i went to play pool with a bunch of my classmates. So much better than the first time. Isn't it funny how some people may seem nice at first impression but after knowing them a little more, they are not that nice actually. And how some people may seem unfriendly at first, turn out to be really fun and nice? Hah.

Dropped by coffee club after work today to see michelle and cheryl :) I shared a muddy mud pie with baby. It's still as nice but obviously shrank in size since the last time i ate it. Anyway, i like the new coffee club. The after-renovation looks great! :)

And last.

I HAVE DATES WITH MICHELLE ON WEDNESDAY AND FRIDAY. YAYEEES! :)



P.S: PTCO, i'm free already. Let's meet up soon ok. But can we not world cup over at ryn's? I'll just end up playing with ryn's roxy which pig doesn't allow :(

BREATHED @ 2:14 AM

cheenapok!

I have papers from monday to friday. Dammit. They told us marketing had no exams. Sounds good right, no exams but there's test. wth. Then i had to work today. 12 to 9.30. Which means i've wasted another day, leaving only tomorrow to study for this FAOM thing.

Anyway, i have a date with michelle :) Nono, a couple of dates :D It's been long since we went out together. YAY. Did i ever tell you how much i love you... :))))))))

Oh ya, color and compo was kind of crap this week. Went to class, drew three pictures and i was done for the day. BUT, the tutor thought it was too early to let us off, so we had to stay in class. So i had one hour of break, then went back to class, and realised, the tutor went for his break too and he's not back so we still cant leave. drag drag dragged till 545 then we left. So pointless.

And now i kind of miss the old class, ok, part of the old class. Where we can go have fun and slack around after school. Right now, i feel kind of bored in this new class.


Few random fact i found out about myself today.
1) I'm one quarter chinese. As in, china- chinese. Because mama's father was from China.
2) I'm one quarter malaysian. Because papa's father was from Malaysia.
3) So that makes me a half mix blood of chinese and malaysian.


OH MY GOD

BREATHED @ 1:01 AM

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