Tuesday, January 31
Chinese New Year
28th January 2006
Met fer, shahrul and baby to chill out before reunion dinner. Wanted to catch a movie and decided on zodiac. (Don't laugh, there weren't much choices then) It was a retarded show. Some local production and it's really crappy.
Reunion dinner was shit. Before the dinner, sis, dad and mom quarrelled over stupid stuff again. We had steamboat and no one spoke a thing. Everything was silent.
Went online and talked to a few people. And 3 people came up to tell me they were spring cleaning and came across my greeting cards/letters. Then we started talking about the past. Some very heart warming, yet some very heart wrenching. Its sad how the right people always appear at the wrong times. Then it suddenly made me think of the "what ifs". If things had been different 3 years back. If only we've both perservered, perhaps things wouldnt be what they are now. But then again, since we're all happy now. Then it's good too. There's no point looking back and regretting what we did not do or what we should have done.
I like to think that reminiscence is always sweet :)
29th January
I seriously hate CNYs. I hate gatherings. I hate the pretence everybody puts up. I hate myself having to pretend i'm really interested in whatever that is going on. I hate the facade my family puts up in front of the rest. Because we know ourselves, everything is broken.
Anyway, was forced to go for visiting in the morning. Went to visit my mom's godparents. They're really a very cute couple. One 91, another 92. Very loving still. It makes me happy to witness such a sight :) Then after that was to my aunt's place. It's shit. Hate it every year. I left very shortly after to meet fer and michelle.
Went to town, had swensons. walked around and played pool. Anyway, there was this bunch of thais playing at the next table and they are the rudest bunch of people i ever met. When they wanted to shoot, they didn't even bother saying "excuse me" and just shove their sticks right at us. Fuckers. And they sucked at pool.
Then walked over to orchard hotel to look for shahrul who was working till 3am. That area's really not safe at that time. It was where shahrul almost got robbed, and pimped. hah.
30th January
Suppose to go visiting with family again but i went to meet fer, shahrul, baby and yuting. Went to bugis but nothing much's open. so we went to chinatown instead. I bought this skirt with a little Indian print. Fer too. Ahh. can't wait to see that girl in a long skirt. heh :) Walked around, crapped and decided to head to parkway to our usual chillout place. I swear i didn't mean it but i traumatised a kid along the way. I REALLY DID NOT MEAN TO. Anyway, we had fun all the way till 11, they made me laughed till my sides hurt. I love you allllllll :)
31st January (Today)
I just rushed stupid econs portfolio. Last semester it was rushed, this semester too. Ahh, i think i need better time management skills. Going to meet fer, shahrul, mich, yuting and baby for steamboat at marina in two hours time.
I'm loving them more and more each day. :)
BREATHED @ 3:09 PM
Tuesday, January 24
I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY AFTER SO LONG I STILL FEEL FUCKING UPSET WHEN I SEE YOU HURT.And now i hate myself for feeling that.
BREATHED @ 2:11 AM
Wednesday, January 18
We don't love you anymore
Recently, my blog's been getting alot of attention. It's saddening to find that people make comments without knowing what is going on at all. Why do people like to pass judgment on things they aren't clear of? Why do people always choose to believe whatever they hear first? Why do people always believe that the one who looks the most pathetic is the one being hurt? It's no longer much of an issue since we believe that you cant carry on with this facade for too long. you can choose to be like this and I hope you are truly happy about the way things are. As cliche as it sounds but you made us realise who are the true friends. And you are left hanging there not knowing what you really want. Yes you may derive pleasure from doing all this at this moment. But how long will it actually last? you may go on doing things behind our backs. Go on fabricating truth. It will not bother us anymore.
I would just like to put this whole issue to an end with this song.
It's for you.
Perfect by nature
Icons of self indulgence
Just what we all need
More lies about a world that
Never was and never will be
Have you no shame? Don't you see me?
You know you've got everybody fooled
Look here she comes now
Bow down and stare in wonder
Oh how we love you
No flaws when you're pretending
But now I know she
Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled
Without the mask, where will you hide?
Can't find yourself lost in your lie
I know the truth now
I know who you are
And I don't love you anymore
It Never was and never will be
You don't know how you've betrayed me
And somehow you've got everybody fooled
It never was and never will be
You're not real and you can't save me
Somehow now you're everybody's fool
BREATHED @ 9:41 PM
Friday, January 13
You've got everybody fooled
I don't understand why you can bring yourself to stoop so low. That in less than an hour, you can fabricate truth and make the entire world look at us in disgust. It only further proved me right that all along this sweet innocent front was nothing but a facade. Very scheming indeed. You showed us what you can do today and seriously, it scares me. What happened to that sweet naive girl i once new almost a year back? Or is everything simply a pretence right from the start?
I pity people like you, but yet think you are smart to take note of everyones' weaknesses and turn your back on them at the very perfect moment. You take every single opportunity to console someone who is feeling down, acting like you are really concerned. But behind their backs, you bitched about them. Well done for you.
As a friend still, i would like to tell you. This is bringing you no where. I seriously don't know what you derive from doing all this. Perhaps attention, i don't know. Check back on yourself. Remember you told us right from the start you weren't well liked by people in your secondary school days? I sincerely think it is time to reflect on what you've done. And people you flirted with in school, are actually those that are spreading shit about you around in school do you realise. Wake up girl. We gave you a chance but you just had to use it to turn your back against us. And it was the very day we thought everything was gonna be fine again.
I am not afraid to voice out my thoughts. You may use this very opportunity to quote every single thing i say. It is okay. My conscience is clear unlike yours. I believe i did even try to fend for you at times, but today, you made me think back and ask myself, why did i even do that? It's alright if you choose to fabricate truth to your entire social circle. Yes, we know- the person who cries first always appear to be the one getting hurt. And i'm sad to say, that is your forte. No way are we able to match up to that standard. It is up to them to believe whichever they choose to believe. If it's your side of the story they choose to hear. So be it. Truth will come to light one day and i'm sure you know that. As cliche as it sounds, for every lie you tell, you need to tell a even bigger lie to cover it up. If you wish to continue to stoop so low, so be it, i cannot bring myself to stoop to that level of yours and we need no judgment from the rest. Just remember, the people whom you are turning your back against about right now were the very people you called best friends just a week ago, the people whom you said meant the world to you.
BREATHED @ 9:49 PM
Thursday, January 12
You're lost in your lies.
I don't understand why some people can resort to doing certain stuff. I mentioned in the previous post that yes, people do behave differently in different situations and i told myself to at least believe you when you tried to explain. And i did, but i still don't understand why at times you can be so sweet and innocent, telling us not to talk about others, then another moment, you can be like a complete bitch, using words we never thought you'd use.
I remember
very clearly just recently you got all emotional and told me how much all this meant to you. And all you need was
less than one week to prove that whatever you say is so contradicting. Because of your crave for attention, you leave people hanging, not knowing what to do. After all the mess you've created, all you bother is whether people have a bad impression of you. And then you start putting up a facade and pushing the blame to others who got hurt by you. You are really the most
selfish person i've ever seen.
I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt but i couldn't. How do you expect me to believe you when you come confiding in me telling me you really like this guy and don't know what to do, when a few days later you come tell me about another guy you've just met? How do you expect me to believe that you are really the sweet and innocent girl i once knew when at times, you can really appear so scheming and shoot sarcastic remarks at people? You are so difficult to decipher and sometimes it is scaring me.
You have really crossed the line with your arrogance today. I don't really bother now that we've tried to do what we can. I listened when you want to talk and i've told you what i felt. You don't have to put up a front of being the sweet and innocent girl because it is failing- at least to us. You don't have to pretend to be the damsel in distress all the time, you may have all the attention you wished for all along. But i just want to ask you- what for?
I am so disappointed with you.It's pathetic that you don't know that things may not appear to be what they seem to be. You think you are in control, but you don't realise what you are doing. If you still have a little bit of conscience and left. Listen.
Drop the pretence.
BREATHED @ 11:11 PM
